I Want a Ruppy

I want a Ruppy. What is a Ruppy you ask? Well, it’s a Beagle that glows in the dark. Red as a ruby, that is. Hence the name Ruppy, a cross between the words Ruby and Puppy. Yep, those brilliant cloning engineers in South Korea have come up with not one, but four red beagles cloned to glow in the dark! Now, don’t get me wrong here. I’m not a big dog fan. I mean, I like dogs and all, just not what comes with them. I’m not good with poop, never have been (just ask my ex-wife) and when I have owned a dog I’ve felt like it’s the other way around. Time for a walk—the dogs schedule not mine. Time to eat, time for a scratch behind the ears. The dog doesn’t care if you have company or what kind of company you have. When it’s time to steal something off the table it’s a done deal. If we need to say, oh, chase the cat through the living room, well it’s time to do that right now!

I’ve always been more of a cat person. They eat and sleep in relative obscurity and really don’t want to be in the same room with you. If they’re chasing anything it’s usually a mouse or a bug, neither of which do I want in my house anyway, so I say go for it. I don’t have to give a cat a bath, they’re self bathing. I can keep my cat indoors so I don’t need to own a leash, or a bone or a ball.

Cats do have a downside but it’s easily manageable. Get the little buggers fixed. When it’s mating season for a cat a more pitiful cry you never heard, unless that is you’ve heard me in mating season. Anyway, sometimes you’ll find them in a tree or on your roof. Sometimes you’ll come home to find them dangling from the curtains, claw stuck and hanging by one arm for dear life. But on the whole, I think cats are a better deal.

So, what makes me think a Ruppy would be any different just because it glows in the dark? Well, if I were having a party and there was one room I didn’t want my guests just willy nilly going into - say, the kitchen where all the beer is, just turn out the lights and leave the dog chained to the fridge. I guarantee you’ll be the only person getting the adult beverages that night. Or, if your guests are the kind that overstays their welcome, simply turn the dog loose after the cat and kill the power. That’ll clear your house out in no time.

When those stoned teenagers come by your house in the middle of the night with their music thumping your walls and the glass about to break in your windows, simply turn the dog loose to chase the car and a carload of freaked out kids won’t be back anytime soon I’ll tell you.

I mean, think about how useful this dog could really be. If Toto had glowed red, not only would Dorothy have never lost the dog in the first place, but he would have matched her slippers too! Then there’s Lassie and Rin Tin Tin and (do you think Ole’ Yeller woulda----naawww) don’t get me started.

And then there’s the poop issue. While it’s doubtful the smell would change, it’s perfectly reasonable to assume that it too would glow in the dark. No more getting out of bed in the middle of the night in your bare feet and—oops! Forgot to walk the dog tonight, honey! No sir! That thing would be like a beacon on a foggy night in London Harbor. And, if your neighbor is just a plain old horse’s ass, let your dog’s ass do the talking! Just take Fido next door when he isn’t home several times a week and you can keep your neighbor’s lawn fertilized and ready for the Christmas decoration contest!

Anyway, I want a Ruppy. I mean, those are absolutely all the reasons that I can think of why anyone in their right mind would clone a dog that glows in the dark. So, these guys are engineers, I mean, they must know what they’re doing, right?